You've Ruined Me
by scarlett-hued-shimako
Summary: Sei comes to terms with the fact that she doesn't ruin people's lives. Slight Sei/Shiori, Mostly Sei/Shimako.


**It's been a long time since I've written anything, but I got this idea while listening to Norah Jones' "You've Ruined Me." **

**Sorry, if there's any mistakes. I wanted to finish this fic as fast as I could.**

**Read&Review. Enjoy (:**

**You've Ruined Me**

At the age of eighteen, Satou Sei had ruined two people's lives.

Almost.

And that almost was just as painful to her as if she had gladly committed the deed with a smile on her face. Those two people were probably the two most important people to ever grace her heart, yet she almost allowed them to suffer a desolate future in order to fulfill her selfish needs.

The first, with its morose taste still in Sei's heart, began with a shared look one early morning. That look, innocent to the untrained eye, consumed Sei's very being that every action, word, or thought she had was related to the angel she had met that morning. It was by sheer luck, Sei believed ,that the angel had returned her feelings, starting an all-consuming vendetta against the lack luster life she had before she met the angel.

Sei, blinded by young love, didn't notice how her love was hurting the angel: one by one the angel's feathers were being plucked. Sei was making the angel human with her need to love and to be loved, ignoring the angel's truest desire: becoming a nun. Thankfully, not that Sei was thankful when it happened, the angel flew away, never to return again.

The second began with Sei ignoring the lesson she had learned with the angel: her love was damaging. It had began with a simple call that lead to a simple lunch that ended with an amazing kiss under the moonlight. Unsure of what was happening between them, they had agreed to met each other the following week. When before they had walked closely to one another, now their hands were linked as if it was the most natural thing in the world, and that date too ended with a kiss. As did the next one and the one after that.

Funny, that's how the relationship ended as well. With a kiss.

Everybody at Lillian knew the story of the first one and how it involved one Kubo Shiori, and how Sei was heart broken when she left. However, no one knew that the second one even existed, much less that it involved one Toudou Shimako, the current Rosa Gigantea.

The catalyst to the whole relationship started with the date March 14, also known as White Day. The previous year, Shimako had a baked a delicious marble cake for Sei on Valentine's Day. The following month, when it was Sei's turn to return the favor, Sei had baked a delicious excuse for Shimako as to why she had forgotten White Day and told her that she would repay her soon.

Apparently, soon meant a year to Sei.

She had called Shimako on the eve of March 13 of the following year, and was greeted with a surprised voice.

"Onee-sama?!"

Sei could image how Shimako looked at that moment, wide-eyed, gripping the cord of the phone as she pressed the phone closer to her ear, and Sei was right.

Shimako had been working on her homework when the phone rang. She had expected it to be Noriko, since she usually called Shimako if she had trouble with her chemistry homework, but it wasn't her. It was Sei, her detached Onee-sama, whom she hadn't spoken to in the past three months.

"Yes, it's me Shimako. I was wondering if you would like to have lunch with your Onee-sama tomorrow."

Shimako felt a familiar flutter in her stomach, and for a moment, she couldn't speak. Was this fate's funny way to catch her off guard? Touche fate;you won this round.

There was a pause, one Sei wasn't sure she like, but it didn't matter; Shimako had accepted the invitation nonetheless.

They had agreed to meet at a cafe that was a few blocks south of Lillian, even though Sei had offered to pick up Shimako, and at exactly three o'clock, two white roses met at the front door for the first time in three months.

It took a moment for either of them to say anything because they were too busy noticing the changes in the other.

Sei, Shimako believed, had lost some of the bitterness she had toward the outside world, and her eyes were less cat-like, harden by time, but more at peace with life. Shimako found them to be endearing.

Shimako on the other hand, Sei believed, had lost the morose air that always hung on her and emitted a confidence that wasn't there the previous year. It was a refreshing change. Shimako looked happier, more out-going, and more ...beautiful.

Finally, they broke the trance with simultaneous greetings.

"It's nice seeing you again, Onee-sama."

"Shimako, it's been a long time."

They both laughed at interrupting the other, hiding the fact that a nervousness was growing inside them, and greeted each other probably before entering the cafe.

Sitting in a booth at back of the cafe, Sei and Shimako caught up on each others' lives. Shimako spoke about the Yamayurikai and in a morose tone, said that it felt different not having the former roses there with them. However, Shimako become more cheerful when she brought up the fact that she had found herself a petite soeur by the name of Nijo Noriko. As Shimako rambled on, Sei would never admit to Shimako that she was barley paying attention, too busy wondering why she felt a pang of jealousy when Shimako mentioned Noriko.

Sei, on the other hand, discussed life at Lillian University and how it was just boring as being at Lillian, however Shimako could see through the facade and knew that Sei was actually enjoying herself. Sei brought up Kei as well, reminiscing about the mischief Sei had dragged her into, and it was Shimako's turn to feel jealous.

As they ate, Sei was surprised that the confidence she felt from Shimako before wasn't a momentary breach in reality. Shimako teased Sei when she teased her and didn't stop herself from saying whatever was on her mind, but what surprised Sei the most was that she heard Shimako laugh. It wasn't one of those muffled giggles Shimako was know for, but a full, rich laugh that warmed Sei's heart. Her petite soeur was growing up.

After lunch, they agreed to go to the park, telling themselves that the need to be close to the other was due to not seeing the other in such a long time. As the feed the ducks with some bread they bought from some vendor, they listened to the other speak about trivial things with such an intensity for the simple fact that the other had said it.

It wasn't long before day turned into night, and Sei had convinced Shimako to let her drive her home.

When they arrived at the shrine, Sei walked Shimako up the stairs, which she found odd because she usually waited inside her car until she felt that Shimako had made it safely inside her house, but it didn't feel right this time to do so. And when they got to the top of the stairs, they said their goodbyes, and again Sei felt that something wasn't right, that a simple goodbye wasn't good enough.

It was with this thought, Sei leaned forward and captured Shimako's waiting lips, and it felt right. They stayed like that for a few seconds, growing accustomed to the other's lips, before they pulled apart, blush-ridden and panting softly.

It was Shimako's first kiss, and she couldn't think of anyone better to have had shared it with then Sei.

The ever beautiful, wise, caring Sei.

Instead of basking in the glow of the kiss like Shimako was doing, Sei felt something grip her soul, and it was with surprise that she had found a name for it: fear. That kiss elicited more emotions than any kiss that she had shared with Shiori, and that scared her. She felt like she was tempting fate somehow.

Shimako could tell Sei wasn't comfortable with what just transpired between them, so she squeezed Sei's hand reassuringly, and whispered: "It's alright Sei. We can go slow."

Sei looked at the nervous beauty in front of her, the one who was always by her side no matter what with a reassuring smile and an open hand, and conceded, earning a relieved smile from Shimako.

Sei left soon after that, but not before promising another date for the following week.

The days leading up to the date were full of Sei trying to convince herself that what she was doing was wrong. She couldn't go a date with Shimako, she couldn't let what happen to Shiori happen to Shimako. She cared about younger girl too much to let that happen. But as she laid on her bed in the middle of the night, with the reminisce of the kiss still on her lips and the grip of loneliness strangling her in the dark, Sei thought: why not?

With her mind set, Sei decided it would be okay for her to go out with Shimako. Just to test the water of course.

When the day of the date arrived, Shimako and Sei met at the train station in downtown Tokyo with the intention of visiting the art museum. After they stepped out of the air-conditioned train station, they

were met with the brilliance of the sun's rays that to them seemed less palpable than the tension between them.

Neither of them wanted to destroy the fragile bud of romance by being too forward.

It was if they were asking themselves the same question Prufrock asked himself: 'Do I dare disturb the universe?' Do they dare disturb the relationship they currently had?

It was Shimako who ended up lacing her fingers with Sei's, and when Sei looked down at Shimako to garner her expression, she saw a content smile, one she was pretty sure was mirrored on her own face.

The whole date felt natural, strolling through downtown Tokyo and later the art museum, hand in hand, laughing and simply enjoying each other's presence. Later that evening,when Sei dropped Shimako off at the shrine, they ended the date with a kiss. As they ended the next date and the one after that.

It was a kiss that ended their relationship as well.

They had just finished a simple dinner in honor of their three month anniversary at Sei's apartment, and were watching a movie on Sei's couch, when Sei planted a chaste kiss on Shimako's cheek that soon paved the way for more desperate kisses on the lips. In a flurry of moving hands, Sei's hand found its way under Shimako's blouse and onto her flat stomach, causing the younger girl to pull away and remove her blouse in front of Sei's eyes.

It wasn't the creaminess of Shimako's skin that caused Sei to pause, nor was it the white lacy bra that looked so seductive on Shimako. No, it was the words Shiori had said to her once when they were in the garden: "A flower shouldn't be touched for it will lose all its purity."

She was corrupting Shimako and she was enjoying it, and at that moment, Sei hated herself.

Sei watched the scene in front of her, Shimako's heaving chest, the faint blush that spread onto her neck, and those eyes, so open and trusting, filled with love and desire, and she came to a decision. She stood up and straightened out her clothing.

"We can't do this anymore Shimako."

A coldness gripped Shimako as she sought her discarded blouse and held it against her chest for warmth. She had feared something like this was going to happen, but she didn't expect it to happen on the day of their anniversary much less in the middle of foreplay.

"Why, Sei?" Shimako uttered in a broken voice, and it took all of Sei's will power not to run to her side and say she didn't mean it in an attempt to erase the sadness that seeped into Shimako's sapphire eyes.

Sei somehow manged to look at Shimako with impassive eyes as she ignored the guilt rising in her chest and the voice in her head telling her that she was being way beyond stupid.

"Because we're not good for each other."

"That's not a good enough reason."

"But it's a reason."

There was no way Sei would listen to her now, and with a strength Shimako didn't know she possessed, she put on her blouse, squared her shoulders, and left but not before saying to Sei: "Fine, I'll let you be stubborn for now, but I'm going to want a better explanation. You owe me at least that much."

Sei felt an empty air pass through her soul when she heard the door shut a few seconds later.

It was because of this explanation that Sei was strolling through the grounds of Lillian under the darkness before dawn. Shimako had called her the day before, telling Sei that a month was enough time for her to come up with an explanation. After Sei had agreed, Shimako then asked what time would Sei like to met her, and Sei had replied with: "Tomorrow at dawn."

Dawn was always the setting for duels and that was what that meeting was going to be: a duel. A duel between self-imposed martyrdom towards happiness and a determination not to let stubbornness be the catalyst for the end of their relationship.

Sei knew that Shimako could match her in the stubbornness department, but she couldn't allow Shimako to win; she loved her too much to let that happen.

As the beginning of day trickled in as streaks of red and pink across the sky, Sei made her way toward the sakura tree that had bared witness to the beginning of their ever-changing relationship. They had agreed to met under the cherry tree, Sei unconsciously and Shimako with the ulterior motive of stocking up her arsenal.

It was under the presence of that tree that Sei felt her determination weaken. This was where she had not only met Shimako, but also made her her petite soeur. She couldn't destroy her relationship in the same place it began. That would be too cruel.

Sei reached out toward the tree, and when she felt bark under her skin, Sei realized that if she gave up her relationship with Shimako, she would have to give up Shimako as well. And that made her feel guilty, foolish, and most of all lonely.

Utterly and terribly lonely.

"You're too cruel, you know that?"

Shimako didn't say anything as she walked toward Sei and stood beside, her hand on the tree as well. She had arrived a little bit after Sei had, and it didn't surprise her that Sei could feel her presence. Shimako could feel Sei's presence as well.

"If I have to be cruel to make you listen to reason then so be it." Shimako said curtly.

They stood silently, the only sounds were the birds chirping overhead, until Shimako laid her head against the tree as well and let out a sigh.

"What did I do wrong, Sei?"

Sei turned in Shimako's direction, guilty that she made Shimako think it was her fault. "You didn't do anything wrong. It's my fault."

Shimako quickly removed herself from the tree and stood at her full height, looking at Sei straight in the eye as she said angrily: "Bull, Sei. If I was the one who got out of this relationship, it would be because of you not me. So, tell me what did I do wrong."

Sei met Shimako's fiery blue eyes, and sighed. She really didn't want to fight with her.

"Shimako, do you realize you can have better life than I could ever provide you?" Sei asked.

Shimako shook her head stubbornly. "I don't care about a better life Sei. I want you."

"You would be better off meeting some nice guy, getting married, and having a couple of kids. You could have a house with a white picket fence and a family dog in the backyard, Shimako. I could never give you any of that."

Shimako looked Sei over skeptically, not sure why Sei was saying that. Didn't she understand by now that Shimako didn't want to be with a man?

"I've never asked you for any of that, nor do I want any of that." Shimako said.

"Shimako, I know for a fact that you want children, and I could never give you any." Sei said softly. She had gotten Shimako there. Shimako didn't say anything for a long time, wondering if she could give up her future children and motherhood for Sei.

But as she looked over Sei, she realized that she could and that she would. Sei, with her eyes filled with loneliness, was dearer to her than any non-existent children.

"It doesn't matter Sei. I would rather live a life with you and no children, then a life without you and with children that were born out of duty than love."

"It doesn't matter Shimako. It's still a better life than I could provide you."

Why was Sei being so stubborn, Shimako thought in exasperation. If things kept going like this then....Shimako didn't want to even think about it.

"Why are you making it seem that I want to spend the rest of my life with you? I'm not asking you for some eternal commitment Sei. We're too young for that, any of that. All I'm asking is that you give us a chance Sei, and see where it leads us." Shimako pleaded as she took a step forward to grasp Sei's hand. Sei took a step back in turn and didn't let her.

The move pierced something in Shimako's heart, and it took all her will power to fight back the tears.

"It's not about that Shimako."

"Then what is it about? You're pushing some 'better future' I could have without you in my face, but why? Is there someone else? Youko-sama maybe?"

Shimako knew that she had crossed a line with the accusation, but she needed to garner some reaction from Sei.

"You know there isn't anyone else Shimako, and epically not Youko! You're just jumping to conclusions." Sei huffed as she threw her hands in the air in frustration, worried about what she might do if had kept them at her sides.

Shimako didn't appear it, but she was frightened at Sei's outburst. She had never seen Sei so mad.

"Can you blame me Sei? I have nothing else to go on." Shimako whispered, and then it clicked in her head. "It's her isn't it? You're still not over her."

Shimako saw a flicker of surprise pass through Sei's cold eyes, and Shimako knew she was right, though Sei's words disagreed. "It has nothing to do with Shiori."

"It does." Shimako said as she took a tentative step forward."You loved her and she left. She left you and you were heartbroken, but eventually, you accepted the fact it was the right decision because Shiori was able to become a nun like she always wanted. Which wouldn't of happened if she had stayed with you..."

Shimako trailed into silence. The way her mind was working told her that....but no it couldn't be right . Would Sei really be that naive? But there was no other conclusion.

"Is this what this is about? You're afraid I'm ruining my life if I stay with you?" Shimako questioned.

"You wouldn't be happy with me." Sei stated in defiance as she turned away from Shimako, but turned back around when she heard Shimako laugh that rich, full laugh.

"What are laughing about?" Sei asked in confusion. There was her petite soeur laughing her head off. Oh my god, what if she had broken her?

"Sei,"Shimako said as she walked towards Sei and put her arms around her as she placed her head on Sei's shoulder. "You infuriating, selfish, dense, wonderful person. Don't you know that you already ruined me?"

Sei tensed. She had broken Shimako.

Shimako nuzzled Sei's neck as she said, "You ruined me to a life that I was expected to have and would have obediently followed because I was expected to. You ruined me to a life where I would have drawn into myself, forgetting that the outside world even existed. You ruined me to a life where I didn't know what love felt like."

She pulled away to look into Sei's grey eye. "Sei, I love you. Even if you can be the most hard-headed person on the planet."

Sei opened her mouth to say something, anything that would let her ignore the warmness that invaded her chest with Shimako's word, but Shimako placed her finger on Sei's lips, letting whatever excuse to die in Sei's mind.

Then Shimako removed her finger and replaced it with a quick kiss."But you know what the funny thing is? I liked it. You've ruined me and I liked it."

Sei shook her head, even though her arms found their way around her Shimako's waist."You say that now Shimako, but in a few years, you're going to look back on your life and realize this was a mistake." Sei reasoned.

"Then let me make it Sei. If I get hurt, I'll get hurt, but don't try to protect me Sei. Let me make my own mistakes." Shimako pleaded.

"Shimako..." Sei whispered. Shimako pulled away.

" Sei you do realize that it's okay for you to be selfish, and heaven forbid, happy. You don't have to martyr your happiness. Were you happy with me?"

"Yes." Sei replied honestly.

Shimako grabbed Sei's hand in between hers, and squeezed it gently.

"Then let's see what happens from here. We can start all over again if you want, okay?"

How could she say no to such a stubborn girl? A beautiful, caring girl who had just stopped Sei from making the worst decision in her life.

Sei pulled Shimako into her arms and held her tight, her head on top of Shimako's. They stayed like that for a long time, silent tears running down both their faces, the loneliness and pain from the past month being let out.

The worst was over.

"If you're wrong about this, I have the right to say I told you so." Sei teased as she pulled away, and wiped her face with her sleeve as Shimako did the same.

Shimako laughed as she reached for Sei's hand and laced their fingers together. "Okay, but I have a feeling that isn't going to happen."

As they walked out of Lillian, hand in hand and the sun high in the sky, Sei realized she didn't ruin anyone's life, but would have ruined her own life if she let Shimako slip through her fingers.

Touche Shimako, you won the duel.

FIN


End file.
